News of the Word

Girl Disappears After Verbal Gaffe

Local teen Mitzi von Smith went missing last weekend. Friends say she was mortified after saying "stits and farts" instead of "fits and starts" at a party Friday night. Police do not know the girl's whereabouts, but are confident she'll return home when the blushing subsides.

Scientists Discover Elusive Soup-Nuts Continuum

COPENHAGEN—Researchers from Aalborg University announced today that they have finally discovered the long sought-after Soup-Nuts Continuum. Scientists around the world have been searching for this elusive item ever since Albert Einstein's mother-in-law proposed its existence in 1922.

"Today is an incredible day for the physics community and for humanity as a whole," said senior researcher Lars Grüntwerk. "Today, for the first time in history, we are on the verge of knowing everything from soup to, well, you know, nuts."

Dr. Grüntwerk acknowledged that the search for the Continuum has been a grueling one: "We have had many missteps and false starts during the ten years that we have been working on this project. The number of different soups and nuts in this world and the number of possible permutations and combinations are both staggering and fattening."

"Our breakthrough came when my colleague Äärdväärk Sörënstäm and I discovered that we could represent both soup and nuts as abstract mathematical quantities," explained Grüntwerk. "After that, the equations became almost child's play and before long the entire Soup-Nuts Continuum was revealed in all its glory. We had a couple of Tuborgs to celebrate!"

Dr. Grüntwerk cautioned that this discovery is only the beginning. "This one answer will lead to many more questions," he said. "Why soup? Why nuts? What is the exact relationship between these two substances? There is still a great deal of work to be done."

Researchers all over the world have hailed this announcement as a major scientific milestone. Science know-it-all Tal Forehead of Rutgers University said the biggest boost will go to other "theory of everything" researchers. "Those groups looking for continuums such as the Go-Whoa, the A-Z, and the Stem-Stern will be heartened and encouraged by this news," he said.